Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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