I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
