I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
