For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
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I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
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So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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