I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
