So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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