i need an iv and a liver transplant
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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