i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
