I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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