He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
