The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
