just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
