Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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