You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
