I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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