my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
