Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
