My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
