I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
