On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
