The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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