I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
