just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
