So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
