So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
