I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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