Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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