does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Can you repeat that, but with context?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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