I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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