I hate your face
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
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all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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