I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
