I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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