he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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