Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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