There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
