so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
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The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
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There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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