Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
