i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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