I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
