How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
