our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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