i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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