Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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