Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
