so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
