if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
