So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
