Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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