did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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