got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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