we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
