So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
