a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
A+ Viking dick
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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