Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I could make wine with my vomit
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
