I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
