I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
