Your dad touched me again.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
