My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
