my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
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yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
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Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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