there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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