so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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