just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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