It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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