So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
