you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
