So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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