it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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